letters 1

In letters

Kuki...

Kuki,

You locked yourself inside the master bedroom yesterday afternoon. I haven't panicked as much in years.

I knew we could get you out. I knew we could break down the door or tear it apart to get the lock out. I knew you wouldn't be there for long.

B and I talked to you and tried to keep you near the door. I was worried about you wandering about that little room and something falling on you.

You were calm and composed until you realised the panic in our voices :). So, yes - thanks to me that I got you worried too. That's a lesson learnt for me. Never panic in front of you, not even when you hear my voice. Yesterday, you could not obviously see me through the door - but you panicked.

So, what was I worried about. I thought about it later on. I realised, I got worried because I stepped inside your shoes for a while. I thought how you'd think, I tried to understand the taruma it was causing you and got traumatised myself. Was that good or bad? I am not sure. But that is what happened.

Just want you to know that whereever you might lock yourself, I will always be there to pull you out, if you wish to - that is. Your father will also be there. We will make it a point to open the door that refused to open and bring in some light and cheer. But Kuki, in life, you need to agree to get up, brush yourself and try and move on.

Remember, no matter where and how, you might get stuck - you will never be there if you don't want to. I love you too much to let that happen.

Love you.

R.

10 Day Challenge - Day Five

Alright, so I’ve got to this.
Day five. Woohooo!!

Six places.

Have I ever thought of this one? Never!

Now, I will.

1. Kuwait. I do not know why I typed that. Seriously! I don’t think that name came out because I am in love with that place. But simply because I spent my childhood there. I don’t think I like it there. I can only associate my parents and lots of my friends to that place. Nothing else. Zilch!

2. Guruvayoor. Yet again, I do not exactly know why this place is on the list. I just feel at home in the Guruvayoor temple. That should be it.

3. Bangalore. Phew! I know the reason for this one at least. I am in love with this place. It is my home. This is where I found myself. Learnt to walk and talk. Took baby steps. Fell. Got up, dusted myself and moved forward. Made friends for keeps. Met people to learn life’s lessons. This place taught me to love myself. I learnt small lessons here that would change me forever. I learnt huge ones too, that only made me stronger.

4. Calicut. I know this one too. A home that I never thought or expected. K’s hometown. Where his family is and where I know I am accepted and then I realised how important it is to be accepted.

5. Goa. Coz I am a gypsy. And I think that land is magical. The air has a spirit there. The sun, the sea and sand. It is sheer bliss there. I hope I get to go there every year, until I get to retire there.

6. Istanbul. Again, no particular reason. I just feel like being there. Like that land beckons me.
This was a nice one. Me happy! :)

10 Day Challenge - Day Four

Seven wants

I like the sound of this one. People often mistake wants for needs or they’d prefer not differentiating. But I am someone who prefers to differentiate them. Not for the sake of being genuine. But just because I’d like to know how human I am.

So, let me try and list them out here.

1. I want to learn to drive. It will make me a more independent person and give wings to my gypsy soul.

2. I want to have the money to raise four children. Yes, I want a house full of kids. Bliss.

3. I want to start a business. What business, am still contemplating.

4. I want to be there for my loves ones always. And I want nothing that will stop me from being there for them.

5. I want a queer friend. Why, you ask. I don’t know.

6. I want to send my parents on a tour to a few places they’ve never been to. To be able to enjoy and appreciate the beauty of other places in togetherness and love.

7. I want to go and visit places myself with my family. To simply experience the world out there.
Hmmm, that is a pretty neat list for someone who had never thought about it so much. Now, I know what I want.

10 Day Challenge - Day Three

Eight fears

The F-word…hmmm.

This is a nice one, I’d like to try and call out my fears by their names :P

So, here goes the list.

1. I am scared of heights. Yes…looking out from a height just makes me nervous.

2. I think I am afraid of death. Yes. I want it to come to me suddenly. Unexpectedly. And not keep me waiting. Coz it would be dreadful waiting for a visitor whose thoughts you dread.

3. Roaches…cockroaches…yyiiikkeess! But lately I’ve learnt that is better to kill them than to be afraid and scream!

4. Am afraid of being dependent. Of being in that space where I need someone’s help all the time. Where I am nothing, but an extra task for people, even if they loved me to bits.

5. I cannot be in a dark room, with absolutely no source of light for more than a few minutes. I get hysterical. I scream, yell and cry. I cannot think then. I cannot talk sense then.

6. The previous point brings me to this one. I think I am afraid of turning blind. I have always tried to understand what am I afraid of in the dark. And I have come to learn that it is my inability to ‘see’ anything. Even if it is a mobile or torch, I just need a source of light, with me being to operate it – in the dark. And my problem is half solved. I can at least think sensibly. And stop screaming.

7. A phase when I might not have any friends….this sounds weird even as I type, coz I don’t understand where all my friends would go. But it just came to my mind and so I type.

8. I am afraid of just existing…I do not want to exist. Just breathe. I want to live to the fullest.

Whoa! So, my fears are out in the open.
Feels good. :)