Happy birthday, K.

Coming a little late...late by a week...thanks to all the technical glitches...
But better late than never.

This one’s for someone who loves me beyond my hopes and dreams.

It was your birthday yesterday and we did not get to celebrate it together. That is definitely sad. But it’s fine too. Coz I know you’ve been happy. And that’s what matters to me.

You have taught me a lot of things in the last five years we’ve been together. One of them being every day is a day to be in love. When I started off, anniversaries, birthdays, valentine’s days used to mean so much to me. Not being able to celebrate them with romance all around, saddened me. But you help me unlearn that lesson. You taught me being in love is more than celebrating a few days in a year. You taught me being together is about celebrating every possible day together…a few quality hours together.

When we met, decided to tie the knot – I was a very different person. I had a baggage. I was a little unsure about myself. But again, your respect for and trust in me, made me a better person.
We are poles apart. We had barely anything in common. But over the years, we’ve become good friends. As I always think and tell my friends…you are my anchor. You are the thread and I am the kite. You let me fly. You let me soar high and get a better view of things. And I do so, with a trust that I am in your hands. That you’d pull me back if I enter the danger zone. If my curiosity takes me to not-so-nice-lands.

I am a loud person, I think so at least…I talk a lot. Actually cannot shut up most of the times. And you are this quiet soul whom I could make no head or tail of, in the first few months of our marriage. I just did not understand how someone can be this quiet and calm and composed! It took me a while to understand we’ve been wired differently. To the benefit of our relationship. You let me talk. You let me talk my heart out. You listen. And that means a lot to me. I wonder what would’ve happened if both of us kept talking with no one to hear!

With you, I do not have to pretend. With you, I can get upset, sulk, be happy, crazy and be a true Gemini. And you handle all of that with such grace that am so in love with you. Your subtlety…I love it now. Your honesty, am in awe of it.

You have helped me unlearn a lot of lessons from the past. And you have turned me into a much better person in my own eyes (if not in front of others). You gave me my wings of freedom. You believe in me and stand by me. I am a wife, a daughter-in-law and a mother (three roles more from what I played five years ago), yet I feel free. And that’s only coz of you.

You deserve beautiful days, especially birthdays. I hope to gift you beautiful days always. You deserve happiness and peace.

They say, a woman’s most treasured ornament is her man’s love. You are truly my most precious ornament. You make my soul peaceful and happy.

Happy birthday, Kiran. Love you.

 

10 Day Challenge - Day Six

Where did my original Day 6 post go? I've been hunting, but in vain.

Looks like I've lost it...So, here I am typing it out again.
And this comes up as the first post, in the wrong order :P

Five foods...

I am so not a foodie! But I love cooking and feeding others..
So, my take on five foods will be the five dishes I enjoy cooking. Cooking is therapautic for me.

1. Brewing Chai - I could never live without chai and brewing it for myself at least once in a day. Drinking chai is alike a ritual for me. Silence, space, chai and me...

2. Baking - Aah! This is such a recent favourite, but looks it will remain so forever. Baking cakes and breads...I have only tried bread once and it was so good. My home smelt beautiful...Baking cakes are my favourite. It turns out my daughter and I, enjoy baking together!

3. Making Chapathi and dal - Making chapathi helps me feel normal. Atta, onions, tomatoes, the mess involved...all of if helps me feel normal.

4. Making desserts - Custard, jelly, puddings, payasam...all of it.!

5.  Making sambar - I've noticed, the smell of sambar makes me happy. I wonder why though. Even as I typed this out!??

Cheers
R 

10 Day Challenge - Day Nine

Two songs…

Yet again, I can’t name just two songs.

The ones that come to my mind instantly, right now, are Sun raha hain na from Ashiqui 2 and Re Kabira from Yeh Jawani Hain Diwani.

I loved the pain, the emotion, the need, desperation in that song from Ashiqui 2. The mail rendering that is. Recently, I had this chat with a close friend of mine and I kept telling him wah wah. He said, he’ll listen to it and still couldn’t figure what was so great about it. And then we realised, he was listening to the female voice and me to the male one. So, yes! The male one is definitely better.

And Re Kabira – I just relate to it so much, at this point in time. The one to follow his dreams leaving behind everything else. His need to do it. The fact that he cannot let go off his dreams and heart’s voice. No matter what he has to face. How many of us can be him? How many of us listen to our hearts and fight for it??

I connect with the emotions the singer exhibits through his/her voice and the lyrics...

I could listen to these songs in a loop for day together!

Cheers

R

10 Day Challenge - Day Eight

Oh yes! I had all of this typed out over a few days and now I post them all together!

Three films.

Yet again, another tough one.

But, I am not giving up.  Let me try. Am sure this one will not be a true true list, coz I savor movies just for the moment and most often, it passes by me. 

1.      Asthitva: Saw this one a long time ago. With Tabu as a protagonist, I just looked up to the character she played. The rawness her character oozed…that’s reality.

2.      Kai Po Che: I recently saw this movie and fell in love with it. The characters were so natural…beautiful music and definitely a beautiful movie than the book itself.

3.      Ashiqui 2: Went for this one recently, just for the music and I fell in love with the characters, the story, the music and came out of the movie hall smiling. Feeling time worth spent. 

Does this sound good? Lame? Ok ok?

Whatever!

Cheers

R :)

10 Day Challenge - Day Seven

Ok, I did not fare too well on this. But am getting back on the train. So, here it goes: Four books This is a very very tough one. As I cannot pick just four from the whole lot I’ve read so far… But, such instances are necessary, I reckon. To be able to select, prioritize in life. So, here I try: 1. The Bhagawat Gita: Yes, this is the book that has changed my outlook to life. Started reading this when I was in 8th standard, I reckon. Then, it was simply a habit. To read it alongside, when we chanted our prayers once the diya was lit in the evening. Slowly, I went on to read the meanings listed below the versus. Again, it became a habit. And then, I cannot pin point exactly when it began affecting me, influencing me. But today, I know – whatever I am, is majorly as a result of that book. Am glad to be influenced. If you have the time and inclination, read it. At the least once. With the meaning in a language you understand. 2. The Zahir: Aah, this one was a savior. A book by one of my favorite authors – Paulo Coelho. I bought this book from a roadside vendor, during the darkest phase of my life. I just needed something to read and picked it up. And yet again, this companion told me a story. A story of love. Unconditional love. To let go. And it helped me let go. 3. The Kite Runner: A well-written, well-told story. With multiple layers of emotions flowing and a very important, yet skirted subject dealt with. I could never forget this book. 4. Dr. Brian Weiss’s books: Again, I met Weiss through his books, during the darkest days of my life. One book down, I went and got another book of his. And then the third. And fourth and it never ended, until the books did. He introduced me to a life after death. To my soul. To the journey of my soul. It was a deep subject, but I found peace in it. And find peace until this day. Cheers R

The blind spot.

This is a post for in association with CSAAM.

Kuki,

I write this as I sit in the parlour. Waiting for Angela to turn me prettier…waiting for her to do her magic. Yes, I like looking pretty. Don’t you?

But as I write this, I feel lost.

She was Nirbhaya and Damini a few months ago. Yesterday she was Gudiya, Masoom. Today she is another four-year-old, seven-year-old. Months ago she was a girl in her twenties and now, she is getting younger. Younger, from between her childhood.

 As I type this, I can’t but wonder who it will be tomorrow. And I hope there is no tomorrow. May the world end.

Kuki,  I will take you to a parlour when you are old enough. I will tell you to dress well and look beautiful always. To never let the world know your worries through your shabby clothes and unmade hair. Life is too short and precious to live in fear.

I want you to know that you have the power to say no. To scream. No matter how old you are. It might not be in our capacity to avoid barbaric acts and crimes. But similarly, no one has the right to violate you. Or anyone.

As I write this to you, I pray you never get there. But if you ever do, whoever it might be – at the hands or presence of whom you feel uncomfortable, feel free to say so. Yes, it is important that you respect elders, in fact everyone – not because they are older to you, but for their actions and thoughts. Since they are supposed to be more level-headed that you are, supposed to be more wise and experienced. But some do not learn lessons as they age, they only create lessons for others to learn from.

Kuki, I might be a paranoid mother, I might be strict now and then, I might be irrational in your eyes (though I hope not) – but trust that I will always trust you. If you feel something is not right, it is more than often correct. Respect your thoughts and feelings more than you’d be tempted to as you grow up.

This isn’t a perfect world to live in, Kuki. But I want you to. I wish I could change the minds of the violators, but I cannot. I can help you face this world. Face what might be expected. But there is a blind spot out there. I accept that realization with fear. A blind spot that could hurt you beyond repair, a blind spot that could constitute of people who love/hater/do not know. I pray you never get to that blind spot. And if you do, I hope your senses are wide open and alert then. And that I am accessible.

No touch that feels uncomfortable is right, Kuki. No matter who touches.

Never let anyone trespass you as long as you can.

Love

R

letters 1

In letters

Kuki...

Kuki,

You locked yourself inside the master bedroom yesterday afternoon. I haven't panicked as much in years.

I knew we could get you out. I knew we could break down the door or tear it apart to get the lock out. I knew you wouldn't be there for long.

B and I talked to you and tried to keep you near the door. I was worried about you wandering about that little room and something falling on you.

You were calm and composed until you realised the panic in our voices :). So, yes - thanks to me that I got you worried too. That's a lesson learnt for me. Never panic in front of you, not even when you hear my voice. Yesterday, you could not obviously see me through the door - but you panicked.

So, what was I worried about. I thought about it later on. I realised, I got worried because I stepped inside your shoes for a while. I thought how you'd think, I tried to understand the taruma it was causing you and got traumatised myself. Was that good or bad? I am not sure. But that is what happened.

Just want you to know that whereever you might lock yourself, I will always be there to pull you out, if you wish to - that is. Your father will also be there. We will make it a point to open the door that refused to open and bring in some light and cheer. But Kuki, in life, you need to agree to get up, brush yourself and try and move on.

Remember, no matter where and how, you might get stuck - you will never be there if you don't want to. I love you too much to let that happen.

Love you.

R.

10 Day Challenge - Day Five

Alright, so I’ve got to this.
Day five. Woohooo!!

Six places.

Have I ever thought of this one? Never!

Now, I will.

1. Kuwait. I do not know why I typed that. Seriously! I don’t think that name came out because I am in love with that place. But simply because I spent my childhood there. I don’t think I like it there. I can only associate my parents and lots of my friends to that place. Nothing else. Zilch!

2. Guruvayoor. Yet again, I do not exactly know why this place is on the list. I just feel at home in the Guruvayoor temple. That should be it.

3. Bangalore. Phew! I know the reason for this one at least. I am in love with this place. It is my home. This is where I found myself. Learnt to walk and talk. Took baby steps. Fell. Got up, dusted myself and moved forward. Made friends for keeps. Met people to learn life’s lessons. This place taught me to love myself. I learnt small lessons here that would change me forever. I learnt huge ones too, that only made me stronger.

4. Calicut. I know this one too. A home that I never thought or expected. K’s hometown. Where his family is and where I know I am accepted and then I realised how important it is to be accepted.

5. Goa. Coz I am a gypsy. And I think that land is magical. The air has a spirit there. The sun, the sea and sand. It is sheer bliss there. I hope I get to go there every year, until I get to retire there.

6. Istanbul. Again, no particular reason. I just feel like being there. Like that land beckons me.
This was a nice one. Me happy! :)

10 Day Challenge - Day Four

Seven wants

I like the sound of this one. People often mistake wants for needs or they’d prefer not differentiating. But I am someone who prefers to differentiate them. Not for the sake of being genuine. But just because I’d like to know how human I am.

So, let me try and list them out here.

1. I want to learn to drive. It will make me a more independent person and give wings to my gypsy soul.

2. I want to have the money to raise four children. Yes, I want a house full of kids. Bliss.

3. I want to start a business. What business, am still contemplating.

4. I want to be there for my loves ones always. And I want nothing that will stop me from being there for them.

5. I want a queer friend. Why, you ask. I don’t know.

6. I want to send my parents on a tour to a few places they’ve never been to. To be able to enjoy and appreciate the beauty of other places in togetherness and love.

7. I want to go and visit places myself with my family. To simply experience the world out there.
Hmmm, that is a pretty neat list for someone who had never thought about it so much. Now, I know what I want.

10 Day Challenge - Day Three

Eight fears

The F-word…hmmm.

This is a nice one, I’d like to try and call out my fears by their names :P

So, here goes the list.

1. I am scared of heights. Yes…looking out from a height just makes me nervous.

2. I think I am afraid of death. Yes. I want it to come to me suddenly. Unexpectedly. And not keep me waiting. Coz it would be dreadful waiting for a visitor whose thoughts you dread.

3. Roaches…cockroaches…yyiiikkeess! But lately I’ve learnt that is better to kill them than to be afraid and scream!

4. Am afraid of being dependent. Of being in that space where I need someone’s help all the time. Where I am nothing, but an extra task for people, even if they loved me to bits.

5. I cannot be in a dark room, with absolutely no source of light for more than a few minutes. I get hysterical. I scream, yell and cry. I cannot think then. I cannot talk sense then.

6. The previous point brings me to this one. I think I am afraid of turning blind. I have always tried to understand what am I afraid of in the dark. And I have come to learn that it is my inability to ‘see’ anything. Even if it is a mobile or torch, I just need a source of light, with me being to operate it – in the dark. And my problem is half solved. I can at least think sensibly. And stop screaming.

7. A phase when I might not have any friends….this sounds weird even as I type, coz I don’t understand where all my friends would go. But it just came to my mind and so I type.

8. I am afraid of just existing…I do not want to exist. Just breathe. I want to live to the fullest.

Whoa! So, my fears are out in the open.
Feels good. :)

10 Day Challenge - Day Two

So, yes – day two.

This time I write about my nine loves.

Nine loves of my life (currently)

1. Family. My family does not really refer to blood relations. The definition of family for me includes those
people who accept me as I am and whom I enjoy spending time with. My immediate blood-related family, husband, daughter, in-laws, cousins and friends.
2. Smell of books. Especially old ones from second-hand book store.
3. Book shops. Kinda continuing from the earlier one, I love to be in a book stall. Those few moments, I spend looking through the books, trying to select one, reading their blurbs…they make me happy. Like, as in, bliss.
4. Cooking, baking. From someone who never entered the kitchen to even place an used glass/plate in the sink, to being someone who enjoys cooking is a remarkable change. Today, I love trying new recipes, experimenting with baking and much more. Am just glad I found another element of life that keeps me happy.

5. McFlurry...McFlurry...McFlurry....
6. Dancing. Dancing transports me to another world. The inner one, I mean. Grooving to music and tapping my feet comes as part of my body functioning, I guess. And I love it!
7. The love for self. Yes, I love myself. I take care of myself first before I can do the same for someone else. I learnt this lesson the hard way. And quite late in life. But am glad I did. Better late than never. So, today – I know, only if I am happy can I keep others truly happy and love them whole heartedly. Yes, I can go about doing my chores as a daughter, sister, wife and mother without being happy myself. But I’d never be true about it. My soul wouldn’t be in it.
8. Communicating. Talking. Writing. I just need to do this to be able to live. I cannot even exist without these, I guess.
9. Smell of the earth after the first shower of rain….aah! Isn’t that just bliss??
So, now for the next topic. Tomorrow, maybe? Or day after?
:) Keep smiling.

10-Day Challenge - Day One

Nice, bright Monday morning.

And I have chosen to take on a ten-day challenge. Hoping, it will keep me writing ;)

So, here’s the first topic.
Ten secrets.

Aah, a forum to document my secrets, eh? Yes, will do this. As I grow, I realize there is really no need of too many secrets. So, let me try this.

1. I hope to write and publish a book – Aah! This is long-time wish…

2. I hate doing the dishes – For the past few years, I enjoy cooking. Much of an accomplishment for a lady who was a lazy teenager. However, I hate touching the dishes in the sink.

3. Sometime, I wonder if I have gained weight – This is a very mild scenario though. Now, and then I wonder if I have gained weight. But then, I soon get over the worry.

4. I can make people feel guilty and hope that the earth swallows them – Aah, talk about my fury! I have come to learn something about myself in the past few years. I can forgive, but I do not forget. That is just the way I am wired. So, if someone pushes me to the corner, I can just line up the past and you’d wanna run from the face of the earth!

5. I have a gypsy soul – Yes. Really. I mean this. I wonder how I am living in a house with my hubby and daughter over-powering the need for change and new experiences. I mean, I love them. They are my life. But there is a part of me that needs constant new experience.

6. I want to be a performer – Read dance. I simply love dance. Being up on a stage gives me a high. I do not drink but I can imagine how ‘high’ feels! So, yes – I hope to get back on stage one day.

7. I am in love with McFlurry (Oreo) – Discovery of Mc Flurry – an iconic event of my life! Need I say more?

8. I am in love with Istanbul, a place I have never been to – Yes. Never seen the place. But I am in love. And I think, thanks to Elif Shafak.

9. I want to have four children, but will settle two – Ssshhh…infact I’d have many more, if I had the money . I do not want to bring them on and not be able to provide them. So, yes. Two children and we should be able to do a good job of it.

10. I am slowly beginning to not make mountain efforts to keep in touch with friends who do not make much effort. And yes, one more… - This is a sad lesson I learnt. Sad, I feel. But I need to de-clutter. As we de-clutter wardrobes, cabinets – I feel I need to de-clutter my space too. So, for those who cannot make the effort – I assume you are happy and I let you be.

11. I love making friends from the virtual world. All my previous e-friendships have been nice ones. – Oh yes! When a few fear e-friendships, I absolutely love them. A random talk with a stranger in a public chat room. Being able to share some far-flung thoughts and feelings, without being judged or sans the fear of any after effects…it is nice sometimes. Though it has been almost 10 years since I’ve done this now!

To, Kuki - The V-day

Kuki,

Today is February 14th. The most hyped-about day of the year. As you might by now (when you are reading this) know what V stands for. Valentine. The history relates this day to more than one saint with the name Valentine or Valentinus as recognized by the Catholic Church and with some connections to the Roman tradition.

Although this day has more than one version of historical background, in our age this day is a day of Romance. Yeah, some connection to the word Roman, at the least!

To me, today is definitely a V-day. But on a topic at a slight tangent. This year, women in different parts of the world seem to be rising as a part of the One Billion Rising initiative. And I’d like to rise. By thinking. Talking. And I’d like to talk to you. Not as your mother, but as a fellow woman.

a. If you cannot love yourself, no one else can so truly.

I do not say, do not enjoy this day. If a guy(s) gives you a flower, card, poem and say they have feelings for you. Smile inside. Be happy, enjoy the feeling. But remember, you do not have to have the same feelings for them by default. Enjoy the flower, card and poem. And if no one gives you these, then gift yourself. Buy yourself flowers and cards. Go out to a restaurant and have a nice lunch. Or buy yourself a coffee and a book. Or, just do anything that will bring a smile on your face.
Hope you grow up to realize and understand that you do not always need someone else to keep you happy as a person. Yes, this is easier said than done. So, I hope you realize this sometime soon.

b. If you cannot help yourself, no one else can.

Kuki, dress up to look beautiful, in your own eyes. Be humble. Love yourself. Learn to say no. The last one is a tough ask, but I hope you learn it. If your gut feeling is no to something, go by it. Keeping others happy might not give you sound sleep. But having a happy soul - that will get you through the dark. Learn to stand up and fight for yourself. For what you think is right. And I hope I get to teach you what is right ;). But yes, do that. Everyone might not agree, including me. But that is fine. If you have faith in what you stand up for, that is half the work done.

c. If you cannot forgive yourself, no amount of forgiveness is worth it.

Remember, people will always talk. They will help you feel miserable and ok-ish. But it is on you to be sparky, smiley and all sunshine. Yes, be the sunshine in other people’s life. Smile at your household helpers, housekeeping people, friends, teachers, colleagues, shop keepers. You have nothing to lose by smiling. Respect others’ lives and circumstances. Forgive little errors. Forget, if you can.

d. If you cannot trust yourself, no one else can.

Learn to trust. Yourself and others. If A, B and C let you down, give D a chance. Life would be brighter if you are ready to trust and take the risk. Than relying on the past, not trusting and living a sad life. During this process, learn from mistakes. Please, make mistakes.
Erring is a journey that will take you to multiple destinations. One, a learnt lesson. Two, lotsa fun moments to treasure. Three, the benefit of courage. Coz you will then know, it is ok to make mistakes. But please be ready to forgive yourself and pick yourself up.

e. If you cannot keep resolutions, do not make promises.

Never let anyone walk over you. And for that, love yourself first. Before you love anyone. Kuki, no one can hurt you unless you give them the power to. Help others. Love others. Forgive others. But before all that, help yourself. Love yourself and forgive yourself. Make promises to yourself and keep them. As I see it, resolutions are promises we make to ourselves. If you can’t keep promises to yourself, how can you keep them for others?

I say all this because, today we talk of violence against women. And I wish every mother, sister, teacher told their daughter, sister, student to love themselves and stand up for themselves. World might have been a better place.
Love, R

To, Kuki

Kuki,

Do you want me to write ‘dear’? You know you are. :)

Today is your third birthday. This also means I have completed three years of motherhood.

So, I think I will write to you. And hopefully, keep writing to you. You can start reading whenever you might be ready.

This one is about me, Kuki. About the things I have learnt and unlearnt growing up with you.

Lesson Learnt 1: My happiness depends on you. I have always been this person who needs to do things. Different things. On different days. To be happy. But now, you seem to be the trigger for me. If all is well and I think you will be fine without me, then I go about doing it. I keep aside some tasks when I figure you might not be comfortable.

Lesson Unlearnt 1: Something I never realized I learnt, in the first place. My belief in miracles. From the day you came into my life, I have considered you one. Today, I seem to believe in it more than I did when you weren’t around. Thank you, God, for this little miracle.

Lesson Learnt 2: I am not so strong when it comes to letting you away from my sight. I wonder, all the while, if you are fine and if you miss me. The latter is not necessary, though it would make me feel like a queen. But yes, I need the knowledge that you are in safe hands.

Lesson Unlearnt 2: The fact that I am an adult and cannot be a child. Being a child is about seeing through your eyes. It is about sitting down or lying down to see things, in the room, from your point of view. Today, life is all about looking at things differently for me. A little like Rashmi, a little like a parent and a little like you.

Lesson Learnt 3: I love holding you most just after you are up from your sleep in the bed. I like holding you with your cheek against mine.

Lesson Unlearnt 3: I have reassessed some of the past lessons. Not because they do not matter to me or not because I needed to. Being with you has evolved me, as a person and I seem to revisit the past and reassess. This has only made me a better human.

Lesson Learnt 4: I kind of dislike having rhymes and cartoons on television all the time. J But I shall cope. Find a way around. For you.

Lesson Unlearnt 4: I can teach you what to be and what not to be. That I can preach and bring you around.

Lesson Learnt 5: I can only show you. Be an example of either 1) what to be 2) what not to be.

Lesson Unlearnt 5: I can find ways to do things when you are asleep or playing. That will never happen. I am now discovering ways to do every other thing with you.

Will make a note of more lessons as we go past years.

Love, R

Keeping alive

Just so that, this one does not die.

http://nth-trial.blogspot.in/

Cheers
Rashmi